Never in my life have I forgotten an obvious fact that I am a girl. As if my anatomy was not enough to remind me, my parents and family were a constant reminder of this obvious fact as well. Yes, I am a girl, a woman, a female. People say that belonging to the XX chromosome category is very helpful since the beginning of time. That definitely does not describe my life. As far as I can remember I have always been reminded of this fact so as to make me feel incompetent and like I’m some damsel in distress.
Parents are your biggest support system, aren’t they? Right from trusting you to being there for you and your dreams. But how would you feel if your parents did not trust you even a bit? It is a parents job to be worried about their child. But there is a fine line between worrying and being untrusting.
And I felt no matter how many rules I followed or how much I sacrificed everything for my parents and my brother It was never enough and my efforts always became a waste. And it was all still okay until the day I saw that I actually had no worth for my parents, they chose my brothers engineering over my high grades even though they had to give donations for him to get him into that private engineering college as he was incapable of doing it on his own.
I once had to attend a friend’s farewell party. Since the venue was a bit distant from my place, I had to lie about the location too. They enquired about every single detail, like who all are going to be present there, how would I reach the place and also, I had to give my parent the contact of some of my friends who would be coming along with me to the party. I guess this was the last time I went out with my friends as I was late while returning back home by just 15 mins of the time I had specified. Yes, they are my parents, not in laws.
Hurting right but well I had accepted it so it was just about shedding a few more tears and chalking it up to a better future for my brother. After my marriage, I thought there will be changes and I’ll get what I never had with my family…the love, the support and that trust with my husband and my new family.
Well, I guess the joke was on me because I got a whole lot worse: a money seeking in-laws, a cheating husband and a whole lot of new rules to follow. I still remember the day I caught my husband with another woman and went crying to my parents with the hope and surety that they will understand but all my father said was to adjust with him and so I turned to my mother thinking that being a woman she will understand my pain but all she said was it was always the woman’s fault if his husband is not loyal and seeking for someone else and sent me back. I think that was the day I felt that it was enough and without any luggage or baggage left all of them behind and went to a new city to actually find myself and discover myself and feel the freedom that I always deserved.
I always dream of being a writer, but I later felt that some dreams remain just that… dreams. I know I could have done better I would have, had I been allowed to go to those group studies with my friends or those coaching classes that my brother went to but every time my dreams kept second to my brothers and my needs second to his demands. I cried and consoled myself and thought that my dreams got wiped away from my eyes with those tears. But now I am doing what I have always wanted to do starting right here and working at a part-time job in a cafe. Trying to find me and make myself.
And I still believe in the fact that it’s never too late if you have enough courage to gather back your dreams and step out again with a completely new mindset. Yes, it’s tough initially and that too when you have not a single person to support u, But then miracles and achievements are mostly a single being experience.
“Let go and feel free to be yourself, the world is too big to put you into your space. All you need to do is, keep dreaming and working”
