Tale of a woman who has been standing on the threshold of a new beginning for the past four years but the nightmare just doesn’t seem to end!
She was never interested in getting married rather she wanted to go in for higher studies. Tried to reason with her family but belonging to a conservative baniya family she gave up and ended up with an arranged marriage.That is when her nightmare began.
My husband and I never really clicked. His perverse habits and uncontrollable abusive behavior gradually turned me into a nervous and unconfident, scared puppet subtly seeking my husband’s approval for everything. The feeling that it was always my fault was fed to me every day. In spite of being highly educated and from a very well-off family, I bore physical, emotional and sexual abuse for 16 years at his hands. Though there were a few moments, in which perhaps we had been happy, love had surrounded us, but not enough to bind us together.
There are times when she feels lost and discouraged, but then one look at her children’s anxious faces brings a tremulous smile on her own and she somehow gathers enough courage to go through the day with no hint of the helplessness she feels inside.
Trapped in the farce morality of an ideal marriage, societal fear, the parental pressure, I became a corpse in my so-called home but where could I run to? I had no courage to step out.
I had given up on love, on life. I would just go through the day, would do what he wanted, and sleep. I would write down my anguish, my pain because that was the only way I knew how to express myself, would cry for hours during the night. Gradually I started losing weight, gave up on myself, and went into depression, shying away from people and myself.
Finally, one day I decided to find life again and tentatively but firmly I stepped out, for myself and for my kids. It was perhaps time to save all three of us.
There were emotional moments after she decided not to go back, intense pressure from her husband and in-laws about how she was damaging her kids’ life but as she started finding peace within herself, around her, she knew her decision to walk out had been right. She was finally breathing, living, laughing and learning to love herself again.
She has been living with her mother, brother and his wife, has taken up writing as a profession, and gradually paving her way to making a mark as a writer. She wants to give all she can to her children and make up for the lost years.
I just wish, I could live peacefully. And stop being harassed by him. His offensive court cases, false complaints against my family, dark and dirty calls, and ugly pressure to give divorce without any alimony make me lose hope in the judicial system, in God many a time but I am hanging in there, in the belief that someday I will find my own sky to fly, high as a bird!
Someday I will!