Confessions

I Wish I Had Given It A Shot Because I’m Anyway Suffering : Confession Of Broken Soul

They say that every love story has its own time, and if it is not acted upon at the right time, it dies. At times sitting in an empty room with no life around, all these thoughts keep crossing my mind. I loved him and in spite of the fact that I too had strong feelings for him I could never look up to him to confess this. I have my reasons for being sad and he finds this enough to be sad as well. With his, every touch and every emotion the feeling kept inflating. He always looked up to me to at least drop a hint and I always gave a smile and switched.

There were times when I had long sleepless nights and wet pillows. The next morning I had to carry the regular smile which made it very evident to believe that this is not as precious to me as it is to him. How I wished in those moments to just let go and feel, to let myself loose and tell him how much I love him too, to hold him. To embrace this feeling.

He went out of India, and still made it a point to never miss my birthday’s or rather any special event of my life. I still appreciate his courage to happily face my wedding. Although, neither of us was happy. I have unlimited memories with him which could never be matched and replaced. All the while it felt so special and different. He was understanding to such extent that I never really had to speak. But still we remain silent. Hiding the pain and living the moment in a hope to work out things.

Living the moment is definitely appreciated. But, if that moment gives you memories which you would probably never surpass, it’s not worth making it equally miserable for.

He kept on asking and I kept on ignoring before the day we had to leave college arrived. It became a standstill. And today I live with the “what-ifs”.

I was married a few years later to a guy who obviously didn’t lack my expectations.  But there came a point when I had thoughts about what I had left unsaid. I’m finding a reason for it. He kept all his promises and is still maintaining. The guy could still give up anything to make things okay and see me happy. But well you know I am a woman my life is not just my life. In fact, it is not at all mine. I am not allowed to feel, I am not free.

Then I  lately realized that the person I’m with is just for the namesake to build up a family. I couldn’t get truly intimate with him due to my reasons and he somehow knew about it.  I tried and tried so hard to love him, make him happy, but nothing was enough for him. The next month after our marriage, I found out about him getting laid with one of his colleagues forgetting the vows so easily.

Did I not even deserve some time to fall out of love, forget my past so that I could truly be with my husband in every sense, be his and make him mine. Well, I guess I got the answer soon enough. This incident had ransacked my moral and I made a decision to step out. That was not easier for me either as I guess being a woman takes away the right to feel the pain and anger as well.

The next month after our marriage, I found out about him getting laid with one of his colleagues forgetting the vows so easily. Did I not even deserve some time to fall out of love, forget my past so that I could truly be with my husband in every sense. Be his and make him mine. I guess I got the answer soon enough. This incident had ransacked my moral and I made a decision to step out. But that was not easier for me either as I guess being a woman takes away the right to feel.  The pain and anger too.

My parents did not support me in this decision as they wanted me to forget this incident. They thought that it is a normal thing for a man to do so. It’s his wife’s duty to forgive him without any unnecessary drama as it was harming their reputation in the society. For his parents well it was my fault because I was not able to satisfy their son physically so he had no other option but to cheat on me. I should without a doubt and a second thought come back to their son.  I’m still disappointed to realize that my husband never took any such efforts to talk it out.

You will always get to hear things like “somethings are better left unsaid”, which is actually not true.

I should have been strong enough to make such an important decision on which my life dwells. Maybe then I would have ended up with the person who truly loved me, cared about me and respected me. That’s my confession.

If he someway finds out to know that it’s me,”You are missed. I wish I had given it a shot because I’m anyway suffering”. And my eyes still get wet while I get your texts. Be it an empty room or a room full of people I am all alone and empty inside.

Do not hesitate to risk it if you feel that the person is worth your love.

 

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